Bahasa Indonesia Sudah Nggak Laku, Boso Jowo Opo Maneh!

Maret 12, 2007

Sekitar tiga puluh menit bakda Isya, Pak Dee baru saja selesai memasukkan gepukan jahe ke dalam air di ceret yang mulai mendidih, ketika Pak Bawono datang dan langsung ndeprok di dingklik panjang di depan meja angkringan.“Waduh, panjenengan kok njanur gunung, masih sore kok sudah ndithing di sini”

“Lha ya kebenaran pas nggak ada acara, malem minggu pisan. Mau nonton bola di rumah, kalah suara sama istri anak nonton sinetron. Yo wis di sini saja, sambil numpang nonton em-yu”

“Sik pak Bawono, anak bojo sampeyan masih seneng sama siletron to?” Mak tlonyor, Mas Klowor yang sedari tadi sudah duluan jegang di kursi nyelo. Memang orang satu ini agak kurang unggah-ungguhnya. Waton nylekop, tur bahasanya sasar-susur.

“Sampeyan niku pripun to Mas, ketoke yo berpendidikan, ndadak nyebut sinetron wae kok kleru jadi siletron”

“Lho bukannya keliru Pak Dee, pancen sengaja tak sebut siletron. Soale kalau nonton acara seperti itu, otak kita sudah nggak lagi ditaruh di kepala, tapi sudah pindah ke pantat, alias tetanggane s***t”

“Lha piye to?” Pak Dee mbodhoni

“Lha sampeyan opo pernah kudu mikir yen nonton kayak gituan? Wong jalan ceritanya saja nggak mokal, aktingnya asal-asalan, waton modal dapur yang agak mbejaji. Jiann, nyebeli pol”

“Yo wis, sampeyan iku rasah ngamuk disini to, sana kirim saja protes ke Punjabi, lha onone ngono, yo ditrimak-trimakno wae. Kan sudah dibekali remote control. Ndak seneng yo tinggal dipindah jalur wae to. Gitu aja ko repot.” Pak Dee berlagak seperti Gus Pur sambil merem-merem. Wong dasare mripat Pak Dee kecripatan latu sewaktu ngipasi anglonya.

“Pak Dee, bal-balane sudah mulai lho, ndang disetel tivine” Pak Bawono nyelo

Pak Dee meraih remote control dan menghidupkan tivi. Tampak di layar, kedua tim sudah mulai engkel-engkelan rebutan bola. Si merah yang nggak pernah berani jalan sendirian, diadu sama si setan merah yang malam itu berbaju putih.

“Saya itu pernah kecelik je Pak Dee, tak rewangi melek sampai jam sepuluh, pingin nonton film, tak pikir film londo, eh jebul mung judulnya saja. Critane, sak pemerane orang kita semua” Pak Bawono sambil nyruput teh jahenya.

“Walah, sampeyan iku ketinggalan Pak. Lha memang sekarang film-film kita yang pakai judul londo banyak kok. Coba saja kalau sampeyan lewat bioskop Metaram, lihat posternya”

” Lha sing didelok apanya Mas Klowor, lha wong cagake poster terbang diuntal lesus ngono kok”

“Tapi kan tilase masih ada. Coba saja, ada Eiffel I’m in Love, The Soul, d’Girlz, Mirror, Heart, Me And High Heels, opo maneh yo?”

“Mungkin pengin go international Mas”

“Haiyah, judulnya saja yang londo. Padune ben payu. Soalnya kan orang kita memang menganggap yang berbau-bau londo itu lebih ngetop. Coba saja kalau panjenengan lihat iklan atau ke pameran real estate. Hampir seluruhnya pakai boso londo. Takutnya kalau pake boso mlayu dikira nantinya menjual RSSSSSSS yang super kumuh” Tumben dia pakai kata panjenengan, bukan sampeyan, yang di elinga orang Jawa kelihatan agak kasar.

” Lho lho lho… kok SSSSS nya banyak Mas, bukannya cuma RSS, Rumah Sangat Sederhana?” Pak Bawono nggumun.

“RSSSSSSS itu maksudnya Rumah Sangat Sederhana Sempit Sekali Sehingga Sulit Senggama, sampeyan iku jan blas nggak gaul” Wah jan kurang ajar tenan blantik satu ini. Pak Guru Bawono di sampeyan-sampeyankan, dibilang ndak gaul lagi. Memang ada to, guru gaul?

“Lha sekarang, ada perumahan di pinggir kali. Kalau dinamakan Perumahan Girli Permai, yo pasti nggak gengsi. Tapi coba sampeyan beri nama The Riverside Residence, pasti gengsinya meningkat berlipat-lipat. Padahal artine yo podho-podho pinggir kali”

“Sama juga mas, sekarang kalau bikin slogan, orang-orang senengnya pakai boso londo juga, seakan-akan kalau pake boso Indonesia, harga jualnya terus turun, dan jualannya nggak payu”

“Yang aneh lagi temanku waktu kuliahan dulu Pak Dee. Dia pakai kaos yang ada tulisannya gedhe-gedhe, bunyinya The Jaysmith Big Family. Setelah tak dhedhes-dhedhes opo maksude, dia bilang, itu maksudnya Trah Joyosemito mas, biar kelihatan keren dan nggak malu pakainya, buat yang muda-muda tak bikin seperti ini. Walah, gak mudeng aku”

Malam semakin larut. Mereka bertiga tenggelam dalam kemeriahan tayangan langsung liga Inggris. Untuk yang satu ini, mereka sepakat, bahwa londo memang jauh lebih baik daripada orang kita. Lha wong em-yu kok dibandingkan sama pe-es-es. Ya jelas duren mungsuh timun. Tanpa terasa, gol Jonosi dari em-yu menutup pertandingan malam itu, dan mak tleser, Pak Bawono dan Mas Klowor beranjak pergi meninggalkan warung Pak Dee. Sambil memberesi gelas-gelas yang berada di atas meja, Pak Dee bergumam, besok warungku apa perlu tak tempeli plakat” The Cat Rice Cafe”, biar gengsinya bisa nyaingi Make Donal atau Pitik Pak Kolonel.

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